Demons..
I thought it would only be appropriate to start my first blog as an introduction, just to give you guys a little insight into my life as much of a cliche as this is and I will be honest I was instructed by my friend not to begin this blog with such a serious and i guess quite a common subject in the blogging world, which is mental health.
Yes this first blog probably isn't going to set me aside from all the other bloggers in the world but i'm okay with that, mental health is a subject that is incredibly close to my heart. It is something i have battled first hand and have also watched others very close to me battle with it too.
I guess i've suffered from anxiety since I was about 14 years old, The feeling of anxiety is all i've ever known so it's hard to place when it all began. It's like a bitter comfort, a demon that has taken over my soul. It took years for this demon to take complete hold of my soul, it started off as getting anxious whenever I would have to do something I have never done before or something that is unfamiliar to me. I would go hot and cold, My pulse would be through the roof, my palms sweaty, my mind racing.
I would need to find out every bit of information I could in an unfamiliar situation so that I would not be caught off guard, god I hate that feeling. The feeling of not knowing something and looking dumb. I'm a neurotic perfectionist that way.
And this demon knew that, it would eat away at me bit by bit. Then the depression began... The feeling of feeling completely worthless and never being able to see a positive in any situation, there was no longer a light at the end of the tunnel.
The depression started when I was 23, I think I had been depressed for a long time before hand but this is when the demon started to rear its ugly head. It took every positive part of me and left me as this paranoid, angry and cynical empty shell of my former self.
This demon took away the only person I have ever loved, this person couldn't stand to be around the person I had become. I had become distant yet incredibly needy, I pushed him away to the point that on the day of my second suicide attempt, he left me when I was still in hospital, I was completely broken this was the lowest point of my life. I become a desperate needy mess, everything I hated. I lied and become manipulative in order to win back the person I fell for and wanted t spend my life with, I was deteriorating.
My mental health had taken everything from me including the only person I ever really cared about, I was never one for meaningful relationships, I hated the idea of relying on someone else to make me happy. I hated my self so i relied on boys to make me feel better about my self, I used them, I loved the idea of feeling worshiped.
That mindset didn't last long, once my ex boyfriend left me I realised I needed to make some serious changes in my life, there was many toxic things and feelings that I needed to eradicate. As devastated as I was when the love of my life walked away it gave me a sudden sense of self worth it made me realise that I had so much left to live for. I gained a new sense of motivation, I took my self away and focused on my self, I revisited things that I had once loved but during my depression no longer had the energy for them.
Since my second suicide attempt I haven't been happier, it was the longest and hardest battle i've ever endured but I made it and now all I want to do is to work to help others realise that it's a battle that can be won.
Yes this first blog probably isn't going to set me aside from all the other bloggers in the world but i'm okay with that, mental health is a subject that is incredibly close to my heart. It is something i have battled first hand and have also watched others very close to me battle with it too.
I guess i've suffered from anxiety since I was about 14 years old, The feeling of anxiety is all i've ever known so it's hard to place when it all began. It's like a bitter comfort, a demon that has taken over my soul. It took years for this demon to take complete hold of my soul, it started off as getting anxious whenever I would have to do something I have never done before or something that is unfamiliar to me. I would go hot and cold, My pulse would be through the roof, my palms sweaty, my mind racing.
I would need to find out every bit of information I could in an unfamiliar situation so that I would not be caught off guard, god I hate that feeling. The feeling of not knowing something and looking dumb. I'm a neurotic perfectionist that way.
And this demon knew that, it would eat away at me bit by bit. Then the depression began... The feeling of feeling completely worthless and never being able to see a positive in any situation, there was no longer a light at the end of the tunnel.
The depression started when I was 23, I think I had been depressed for a long time before hand but this is when the demon started to rear its ugly head. It took every positive part of me and left me as this paranoid, angry and cynical empty shell of my former self.
This demon took away the only person I have ever loved, this person couldn't stand to be around the person I had become. I had become distant yet incredibly needy, I pushed him away to the point that on the day of my second suicide attempt, he left me when I was still in hospital, I was completely broken this was the lowest point of my life. I become a desperate needy mess, everything I hated. I lied and become manipulative in order to win back the person I fell for and wanted t spend my life with, I was deteriorating.
My mental health had taken everything from me including the only person I ever really cared about, I was never one for meaningful relationships, I hated the idea of relying on someone else to make me happy. I hated my self so i relied on boys to make me feel better about my self, I used them, I loved the idea of feeling worshiped.
That mindset didn't last long, once my ex boyfriend left me I realised I needed to make some serious changes in my life, there was many toxic things and feelings that I needed to eradicate. As devastated as I was when the love of my life walked away it gave me a sudden sense of self worth it made me realise that I had so much left to live for. I gained a new sense of motivation, I took my self away and focused on my self, I revisited things that I had once loved but during my depression no longer had the energy for them.
Since my second suicide attempt I haven't been happier, it was the longest and hardest battle i've ever endured but I made it and now all I want to do is to work to help others realise that it's a battle that can be won.
To think you're only in your twenties and already endured, overcome and changed so much, and still have so much more life to live , I believe we are all connected in one way or another and I feel more connected to you today, still some things to work on, some defects of character but hey don't we all, much love from a proud step father
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